You mean to tell me that my comeback post was nearly a month and a half ago? I suck.

I've been wanting to document the past few weeks for well.. the past few weeks. Crap... I'm trying to break my 2-space after period habit because since I'm in week 4 of my Desktop Publishing Course here at the Webster University, I've learned that it's just as grammatically acceptable as the 2 spaces we all were taught in high school typewriting class. Plus, it's a space saver.

I'm learning InDesign which is the program formerly known as Quark (right?). That's what I hear anyway. It has been going pretty well as I've mastered turning text into numerical columns and creating text blocks in reverse colored type. All is going rather smoothly. Aside from one or two hiccups that keep us in class the full four hours.

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Hiccup #1:

If I recall his name correctly, it's Kwan. He's a very enthusiastic and pleasant-enough Asian gentleman who sits across from me in the Mac lab on campus. He is completely lost in this course, bless him. After our instructor (who bears an uncanny </i> to the non-animated version of Peter Griffin -- I just know he's gonna show up to class one night with a white shirt, green pants, and sucking a frankfurter through his nostril any given day) gives simple instructions which I complete. Kwan needs the process explained again at his station.

His English is quite broken which takes me on an empathy trip. I immediately picture myself in China (that's my best guess as his homeland) trying to learn this in Chinese whilst all the other students in class wanna take me out after class like planes surrounding Godzilla downtown.

I can forgive Kwan because he is truly working his hardest on this class. Here's proof.

This past Tuesday afternoon, I visited the Mac lab because I'm too cheap to shell out 500 quid to have the program at home. I walked in to find Kwan in the corner of the lab by the window. Of course, the 2 seats next to him was open. He greeted me and patted his hand on the chair next to him with a smile. "Prepare to play tutor," I said to myself and I forced a smile and sat two chairs over instead. I didn't see a time clock...

It was callas and I'm not proud of it. But, I had my own homework to complete for class the following night which was a tri-panel duplex brochure and the notion of kerning versus scaling was still a little green to me. I also had Principal Blackman (my 30 gig iPod) with me for concentration assistance. It was 3 minutes later when I had to pause Bloc Party - "Helicopter (Weird Science featuring Peaches mix)" for the first of a number of questions from Kwan.

"Um hi. How big is Heading supposed be?"

10 seconds later

"Ah sorry, Leading instead?"

4 minutes later

"Um hi. What are you doing your homework on?"
"Mine's on chocolate."

10 minutes later

"Um hi. Where does the text come from?"
"Where do I get that? Write it? How do I save as .txt?"
"Where is MS Word on here?"

8 minutes later

"Um hi. Where did you get your photos from?"
"Internet?"
"How do I save to flash drive?"

This went on for 3 and a half hours. My homework should have taken half the amount of time. Again, I didn't mind helping but if Kwan is lost simply downloading a photo from the internet, you could see where my hands were full.

I considered migrating to the other Mac lab to get on with it and say "eh, good luck Kwan!" Because I have the bad luck and paranoia of mid-90's Margot Kidder, I'm sure he would see me as he walked by. Who would be a schmuck? Let me find a mirror.

I hope he passes the class. Despite his struggles, he's really trying his best unlike Hiccup #2.

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Hiccup #2

In my mind, I've called this guy so many names that I just can't seem to decide on which one reference here. Perhaps, I'll go through them all. His real name may be Adam or something like that. Let's start with "Sockcap."

Sockcap walked into week one with an aura of self-assurance. He was a typical metrosexual-wannabe with the sockcap, flared jeans, biking boots, stripy scarf, BLT and mayonnaise wrap and 32 ounce wax cup of soda in tote to a computer lab, and a slightly bewildered expression.

Who brings a full dinner to a computer lab only to eat it directly in front of the giant Mac machine and in front of the instructor?

Sockcap became Hot Dumbass.

As Hot Dumbass chose the station also across from me next to Kwan, I observed that he had a secret. A secret so horrible that it's covered at all times by his sockcap. He removed his sockcap to scratch his head and it was revealed.

His forehead is covered in acne. These are not piddly whiteheads but his forehead resembled a candy apple cobblestone muffin. Hence the sockcap - hence the source, allegedly. The blemish landscape travels not south of the brow otherwise, he would come to Webster in a ski mask or as a member of Daft Punk or The Knife.

Hot Dumbass then became Cobblestone Head.

I would be a total heel if I chose this reason to dislike the Cobbie. As I said before, I can forgive and understand why Kwan needs additional assistance in class. I have a great deal of trouble forgiving Cobbie because he's has less of a clue than Kwan. What PusBubbles has is a failure to communicate because during Peter Griffin's lectures, he's constantly text messaging someone on his phone.

PusBubbles: I like that.

When the time come to apply what was taught to us, PusBubbles is completely lost and asks stupid questions (yes, stupid questions exist to some persons) which were clear to the rest of the class. I became irritated at this during week 2 when I realized that we, the students wouldn't have a chance to escape until around 9:15 when we could leave by 8:30 if we didn't have to keep PusBubbles' pace of applied ignorance.

Last week, he enjoyed a Snickers Bar during our classwork. Brilliant. I'll bet the stick of butter he devoured upon walking in the door of his apartment was tasty too.

The saddest thing of all is Kwan's only helpful reference is the GooeyFountainHead initially. Lately, Kwan has figured out that it's best to ask the instructor or the cute (but engaged) guy next to him. I really hope Kwan passes the class and does okay.

GooeyFountainHead has now replaced Bubbles.

Four weeks have passed with another four to go. I'm pretty confident that I'll do well. I'm not as confident that I'm going to keep my mouth shut when SplAdam is texting again when he should be learning.

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Cool! LiveJournal automatically formats one space after periods. So much for my subtleties in this post.

What???

Dwarf #7 is gayer than Christopher Lowell.



"Bye Vertigo!"

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Yes, this skit is huge enough for a part 2. The only thing missing from Part 2 is Amy/Snow White calling Elmo "you tiny red bastard!" I've always wanted to go off on Elmo.

And the new Dwarf #7 is nearly as gay as the original.



"Because zero means nothing!"

Unless you multiply it by 1000... that must be a lot!

I guess I have some explaining to do.

I realize it's been 10 months since my last post and even that one was kind of unimportant. I've not only reached one set of crossroads within the past year, but a number of them. It would take a small eternity to recap *Cory throws his hands in the air attempting to squash a gnat* .... recap a year. I'll provide the digest version.

I mentioned starting a new job in September last year and it's going rather well. I suppose that many new jobs that people start involve the first 6-8 months trying to get adjusted and becoming bored periodically. After that, all you can do is not talk to anyone just to get that Youth Camp mailing out to the entire Diocese by Saturday. I've been to church (lots), Washington DC for a week-long conference (where I stayed at a seminary and cried nearly every night), Camp (during the hottest day in July and strangly, I didn't want to cry when I thought I might have), and various other tidbits of my new job that keeps me busy.

I wish I had the privacy at work to update the journal but since I share my workspace in a cubicle with 2 others, it's not as simple for me anymore. I'm sure they wouldn't care but the next time I'm writing out the escapades of dating, I'd hate to have my coworker ask for congregation labels at the same time.

I don't even wanna talk about dating, come to think of it. I will say this, though. It's a little worrysome that when I become interested in someone who is a good fit for me, they move away. Within the past 6 months, it's happened twice. The moving obviously had nothing to do with me but it didn't have a chance to progress to have anything to do with me. I don't know how I feel about that.

Nothing is like it used to be, it seems.

I wish I could remember the HTML codes so I could draw a line like I used to. Ah, here it is.

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There were some pivotal moments in the past year that should have been documented here. If any of you care to know, I can share it in the comments. It's okay to be a comment whore if I'm making up for lost time, right?

I went to a Cardinal Game for the first time in 14 years. -- I was let go by the magazine Playback:STL. -- More recently, I saw the Human League for the third time (in a horrible venue). -- I started my book. Sort of. -- I moved to a better apartment with proper insulation and parking. -- I was later asked to come back to Playback:STL. -- More recently, I got to interview my favourite Scissor Sister again.

Just to name a few...

I wish I could promise that I'm going to post as often as I did over 5 years ago when I started keeping my thoughts tucked away in this strange place called Livejournal. I also know better than to promise something that I vowed I would keep up often. All I can say is it's good to use this outlet again and I hope to maintain a steady flow of thoughts for my benefit and to those who are interested.

It's no secret that I hate the Black Eyed Peas and their great big bag of bullshit. With that said, I've also said many discolouring things about St. Louis radio along the same lines.

However, the local radio station Y98 redid a version of that pile of crap "My Humps" into a holiday treat called "My Elves." Basically, someone on their staff made My Humps into something listenable and enjoyable.

I'm sure that the Black Eyed Peas will hate it and want money for copyright infringement but they can suck it, holiday style.

It makes me laugh.

http://www.y98.com/includes/news_items/18/1026/myelves.mp3

Happy Christmas to you.

I'll be saying inappropriate things on the radio tonight. :)

It's the Washington University Campus Radio station but you can listen online at

http://www.kwur.com

It will a sort of Desert Island Discs sort of notion and it will be on at the following time.

6pm to 8pm Central Standard Holla...

It's bad enough that I'm a week and a half late with the "3 Things That I Hate" post but another stick in your craw will be that this post will be 3 more current items that I love. Call it free love.

One:

Leaving the occupational nest.

There is more than one example of sheer beauty when you tender your 2 week notice from a job that has been less than fruitful for well over a year now. I had the good fortune of doing so last friday to accept another position starting on September 23. What is even better is the look on my current boss' face when I turned in my letter. It went a little like this.

She knew it was coming.
She inhaled deeply through grit teeth and closed eyes.
She exhaled slowly and still through the grit teeth.
The grit teeth awkwardly morphed into her usual fake she's-ready-for-her-closeup-mister-demille smile.

This situation didn't necessarily have to turn out this way but I grew weary of working for someone who runs her department like a sorority. Five more days of fighting overzealous smirking.

Late next week, I'll start work at a church. Let's all say a silent prayer that I won't burst into flames when I start there. Another thing that's cool is my boss looks like Reverend Fatboy Slim. He's real good.

---

Two:

Brady Bunch on DVD:

Wow Paramount Home Video, where's the fire? They're cranking these out like it's dancing near the edge of its shelf date (the second time around). Season 2 came out not even two months ago. Season 3 came out this week. Season 4 comes out this November. It may have something to do with the upcoming holidays. For me, it has everything to do with hating Cindy and wanting her to step inside Peter's disappearing booth and NEVER RETURN!

Of course it would be difficult to repeatedly hate Cindy if she were to end up missing. I think she just needed some coercing to leave and find herself--ending up in some third-world country selling bugle beads to dress makers from Cambodia who just find her and that trademark lisp so (literally) unbelievably adorable.

---

Three:

In conversation with the homo-half of Erasure.

Apparently, I have an interview with Andy Bell next week. Let's make believe for a moment that I'm anywhere close to prepared for this. It's still very fortunate for me though. Let's hope he keeps his promise or at least the PR company keeps theirs.

How can I explain when there are few words I can choose.

3 things I love today (which may or may not be the case tomorrow):

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1. Old school animal crackers and Diet Dr. Pepper (I just tried to spell out the Doctor in Dr. Pepper but clearly, it didn't look right):

These aren't the fancier step-below-wedding-cake variety with pink icing and pinhead shaped sprinkles (although, those are nice too). These are the classically dry variety in vague shapes of animals where at times, it looks like they're wearing brown shoes from the process of baking. It's pure ecstasy for me when I wash them down with the "fat boy's" Dr. Pepper. I'm telling you, it should be marketed in paste form at Everything's a Dollar.

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2. The Human League: Live at the Dome

I'll be reviewing this DVD for a near future issue of Playback and when I received this last night (and took it off my Amazon Wish List). Not only was this show filmed with such high quality but the extra features like the extensive interview and behind the scenes footage (even though it showed a bit too much of their free standing keyboardist that looks a quarter Nikki Sixx and three-quarters Winona Ryder).

Let's face it. The Human League are the Three's Company of Synth-pop. Only Susan Anne Sulley isn't a complete bitch like Suzanne Somers was around 25 years ago. Susan Anne Sulley is the type of hot-like-fire lady that if she lost her dress on stage (which nearly happened in St. Louis--I caught more than one glimpse of her white lace knickers that evening), she would say to herself, "Oi, I'm naked. Ah well, pressing on..."

---

3. E-mail exchange with my Mom:

Mama gusgus strikes again and work-wife Sue is still laughing at the blind copies I continue to send to her in my responses.

Mama gusgus: "Are you there? MOM"

Saintly Me: "Yes I am. CORY"

Mama gusgus: "I need to know the model, year, mileage, cd player?, when new tires, battery of your car. Did you check the transmission fluid? Bob's motors have some possibilities. Let me know."

Saintly Me: "95, Pontiac Grand Am, 125,xxx, tires aren't even a year old, Never had to replace the battery, AM/FM cassette (which would be okay for me). Yes, I checked the transmission fluid and it's still pink as it should be."

Mama gusgus: "I talked to Bob this morning and he has some cars that would suit the bill, I told him NO DODGE, they have 7 car lots and lots of possibilities. He said there is a need for a car like your with high schools kids might get more than you think."

Saintly Me: "I think something with efficient gas mileage is a good idea."

Mama gusgus: "Yes I think that is an excellent idea, he said he has a Mazda Protigue in good condition. I don't know if I told you Scott totaled Brenda Sunfire hitting that deer Monday. So they are looking again also." *Protigue. That's hot.*

Saintly Me: "Will we be able to browse these on Monday? Yes, you informed me of Scott's misfortune. By the way, I think I can do that housesitting job for you on 9/30 to 10/2. Can I bring a friend with me?"

Mama gusgus: *Prepare yourselves.* "Yes you could bring a friend if we hadn't decided not to go, with the price of gas its just not worth the effort. Bob knows you coming down and he will have available on Tues. we including you are inviting to Kims on Sunday for BBQ, she said if I talked to you to tell you." *Should I ask why? Or just laugh? How about both?*

Saintly Me: "Can you try sending that same message to me again, but this time in a language I can understand?"

Mama gusgus: "Mercy, I must have had a senior freeze. We are not going to the Lake, because of gas prices. Thanks anyway and yes you could have brought a friend. You are invited to Kims for a BBQ on Sunday, she said to tell you if I talked to you. Bob just called with a 1998 S-10 pickup, 4 cylinder, good condition, pewter in color. Interested?" *What the hell is a senior freeze?*

Apparently, my mom has been taking Asian Mother Emailing for your Offspring 101.

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Three things I hate today is forthcoming. Of course, it might be three things I hate (tomorrow) today.

Urban Outfitters finally arrived in Saint Louis last month and I've been dying to visit there until last night. I was on a mission for the Nudie Toothbrush. The nudie toothbrush has been the only thing on my mind until my visit there this past week. I'm a pervo. I'm owning it.

When I visited Urban Outfitters earlier this week, it was just as I hoped it would be. It's a 2.5 level store full of items that cater to me all over. Finding the Nudie toothbrush was very much like finding the irreverent needle in the haystack. I looked all over each level eventually making to the clearance section. Oh yes! The clearance section.

Surprisingly, not all of it was a big pile of crap like other stores' "areas of items' last chance."

I found (and purchased) a neo-modern ice blue (but available in other colours) clock for $1.99. Oh what a bargain for me. I also found a game I had as a child and suddenly I was swept back in time 25 years to first grade when I would open up the folding bowling lane, flick the switch elevating all 10 thin plastic bowling pins, wind up the happy clockwork bowling ball with shoes as it would ecstatically hop down the mini lane in hopes of strike leading to breaking 100. It was made by Tomy (of Japan) and that's real good. I'm very happy that they still make the classics.

Still browsing, I picked up a set of highball glasses with cute "Laugh-In" style flowers on them. The price was not on the front of the box, nor the sides. As I tilted the box forward to see if there was a price tag on the underside of the box, I took it for granted that each glass was in the box securely. I was wrong. The glass with the blue Laugh-In flowers fell in slow motion and busted all over the concrete floor. Every head on that level turned up to look at me feeling like the same 7-year old playing with his Tomy clockwork bowling game.

The first sales associate to approached me wasn't the nicest. It was some bleached-blond girl who I'm sure is in some sort of band that tries to sound like Liz Phair or some shit like that. Her only response to my apology was "ugh." Yeah, I felt warmed. The next associate to assist was a guy and he was nice and as I apologized to him (because it didn't seem to work on that bleachy-haired dead common slag) he immediately told me that it wasn't a problem and they'll take care of it right away. He also asked me if I was okay. I hope for the store's sake that he was part of the management team.

I still felt like a complete oaf after all that was over and Susan Powter was sweeping up my mess (because her skills have only reached to that maximum). Suitably, I made my way over to the shiny aluminum cups (4 for $15, I think) which seemed more appropriate to drift to. After all that chaos, it was only 3 minutes later and I still haven't found the nudie toothbrush. Many would have just paid for the claimed items and left but it was my mission that day (the next day's mission was a rice cooker but it didn't have the same noteworthiness as this mission).

I asked the girl in the Little House on the Prairie skirt (who also had witnessed where I shattered glass with [a heart of stone, Laura Branigan] my expertise of doing so) where the nudie toothbrushes were located. I often find myself in situations where I wish I could turn back the clock 3 minutes so I can rethink my actions and statements. This was one of them. My mind recreated the thoughts of the Urban Outfitters Laura-Ingalls-Half-Pint fashion doll. Oh great, he just created a mess of broken glass suitable for Loni Anderson to walk on for Circus of the Stars and and now he wants a nudie toothbrush. All this and I'm out of clove cigarettes. Fucking Pervert!

Actually, she was nicer than I anticipated. She knew I was embarrassed enough from the previous affair that occurred minutes before. She brought me to the bathroom section and found a girl nudie toothbrush for me. I was so flattered. I was still flattered when I put the girl nudie toothbrush back and found the boy (if I were the ad exec: it would be guy, man or frat boy) toothbrush found the check out counter.

Despite all that, I'd like to go back this weekend. On the website, they have some cute underwear, it's a shame I didn't see it in the store the first time.

Some people are like Slinkys.

They're only enjoyably useful when pushed down a flight of stairs.

Why can't some people just fucking get the hook?